The 49-year-old widow of the Apple
founder Steve Jobs has moved on, she has found her new partner; already the
critics and sceptics are at it. It’s too soon, only two-years have passed by, how
could she fall in love with another man so quickly? Does it mean she didn’t
really love him? The cycle of speculation and gossip continues. One can
understand grounds for criticism in cases where an aging octogenarian tycoon
has left a younger beautiful widow, who runs off the next day with his fortune
and a young male model, but that, is not applicable here.
In some religious cultures widows
do not remarry at all, enduring loneliness until the end of time, whilst a widower
is free to continue. For example, In Hinduism the marriage of widow is taboo, it
is enforced rigorously by society among some castes; the logic is, if the widow
remarried, she can possibly conceive her reincarnated dead husband in her womb,
and a husband cannot be a son too, thus prohibition of marriage for widows. I
assume they were not willing to take risks with contraception either!
Going beyond the religious and
cultural paradigms, some people, especially women, remain single after being
widowed; they do it willingly out of their deep love and attachment to their
late husband. This tends to be the exception rather than the norm; because the
human body and the emotions it generates will continue to make demands. Just
ask those celibate priests that are regularly caught out in various sexual
scandals.
There is no prescription for how
long one must mourn for and wait before remarrying. How can social laws or
customs be formulated for such matters, when there are so many variables, and
each case will always be unique? Moreover, we live in a free society where individual
freedom on personal matters is sacred, yet there is social pressure to conform
on these issues. This is the same type of duplicity you see daily: columnists
scorning celebrities and politicians for extra-marital relationship when the
same traits are clearly present in the masses.
Among all the noise, the key
person’s viewpoint is missing - of course the dead can’t talk, but one should
ask the question and make reasonable speculation before passing judgement: what
would have Steve Jobs wanted for his wife? Would he have wanted her to go on
mourning for a year, let alone two? I am sure an intelligent person like Steve
Jobs would recognise that if she found a new partner that would help her to heal
her pain. And out of love, he would want her to be happy with a new partner,
and not continue to live in loneliness and sorrow. How many of us would wait
for such a long period before finding a new partner.
Unfortunately there is a stigma associated
with marriage of widows and divorcees in some quarters of our society,
especially those coming up to the middle-aged bracket. There is an implication that they have ceased
their biological requirement. And the jokes and humour go on, about an older
male or female remarrying a younger spouse. Despite the equality crusade, it
seems that for an older woman to take up a younger man is acceptable, whereas an
older man marrying a younger woman is seen in a negative light.
It is perplexing as to why society expects individuals to continue to
demonstrate loyalty to their deceased partner for beyond a short period, when
such loyalties are scarce among the living. Whatever ideological spectrum one comes from,
be it religious, secular or agnostic, everyone concurs that love implies
loyalty to some degree between the two partners. However is the ‘loyalty’ absolute
in that it excludes the formation of any other bonds concurrently. Well there
is an argument that such bonds between two partners should not exclude bonds
with other partners, because they are similar to business contracts, and on a
daily basis we have multiple commercial contracts in our life. Even if
we examine it from an emotional perspective, we can draw an analogy to children;
multiple bonds are formed and there is never an allegation that loving one
child is a betrayal of the love for the other child. Therefore, why can’t an individual love two or
more people concurrently? Why is there a demand for 100% possession? Is
this in reality a reflection of our self-centred materialistic society, coupled
with the domination of primitive emotions of jealousy?
Yes this is venturing into polygamy using the rational
argument, and that is for next time.
Yamin Zakaria (yamin@radicalviews.org)
Published on 10th August 2013
London, UK
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